What Do We Mean by Accepting?

No one likes the RAD SEL lessons! My videos are awful: Nervousness, fear, uncertainty. Creating RAD for Life has brought with it many uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. This blog is as much for you as it is for me, as I practice what I preach and dive into the topic of acceptance.

The RAD SEL lessons promote acceptance as a way of responding to the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that inevitably show up in life. Why does RAD use this approach, and how is it different from others? And perhaps most importantly—how can it actually help me?

RAD is based on the theory of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a third-wave cognitive behavioural approach that emphasizes values and acceptance. RAD builds on established CBT principles and practices, but in a way that is unique, effective, and—at least in my opinion—elegant.

Acceptance in RAD and ACT

Compared to traditional CBT, RAD takes a slightly different stance. CBT and ACT—which RAD is informed by—share many similarities. Both emphasize skill development, self-awareness, and the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. Where they begin to differ is in how thoughts and feelings are approached.

Traditional CBT often focuses on identifying, challenging, and changing unhelpful thoughts in order to reduce distress or change behaviour. In contrast, acceptance- and commitment-based approaches such as RAD emphasize noticing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and responding to them with acceptance, rather than trying to challenge or change them.

That said, acceptance is not absent from CBT. Several CBT-informed approaches explicitly teach acceptance-based skills. For example, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) emphasizes radical acceptance—the practice of acknowledging reality as it is, without judgment, particularly in situations that cannot be changed. Similarly, mindfulness-based CBT approaches encourage individuals to notice thoughts and feelings without immediately trying to alter them. These approaches recognize that not all internal experiences are within our control, and that learning to respond skillfully can be just as important as changing them.

ACT—and by extension RAD—places acceptance at the centre of the approach. Rather than viewing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as problems to be fixed, ACT and RAD treat them as normal, temporary internal experiences that arise as part of being human. Thoughts and feelings are not treated as truths or instructions that must be followed, nor as barriers that must be removed before action can occur. Instead, RAD teaches students to notice these experiences, make room for them, and choose how to respond in ways that align with what matters to them. This focus on acceptance supports flexibility, persistence, and purposeful action, especially in situations where discomfort is unavoidable.

Do Our Thoughts and Feelings Matter?

A common concern with acceptance-based approaches is that they minimize the importance or influence of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. However, in ACT—and in RAD—thoughts and feelings absolutely matter. They are a central part of being human and give our lives depth, meaning, and richness.

Emotions like joy, sadness, fear, anger, and excitement help us connect to what matters. Joy can highlight what we care about. Sadness can reflect love or loss. Fear can signal uncertainty or importance. Anger can point to values that feel threatened. ACT does not minimize emotions or suggest they should be ignored. In fact, ACT encourages people to fully experience their emotions, reflect on them, and at times even enjoy them. Emotions are not problems to be fixed; they are experiences to be noticed and allowed.

Where ACT draws an important distinction is in how much control thoughts and feelings have over our actions. Feelings provide information, but they are not instructions. ACT and RAD help students learn how to make space for emotions—pleasant or uncomfortable—without being pushed around by them. This allows individuals to feel anxious and still try something that matters, feel frustrated and still persist, or feel sad and still act with kindness. In this way, values—not momentary emotional states—become the steady compass for behaviour.

ACT takes a similar approach to thoughts. Thoughts are viewed as mental activity—something the mind does, not necessarily something that defines us or tells the truth. From an ACT perspective, the mind is a powerful problem-solving machine. It constantly predicts, judges, compares, and tries to keep us safe. This is incredibly helpful when solving real-world problems or planning ahead. However, the same problem-solving mind can become less helpful when it turns inward, generating worry, self-criticism, or endless “what if” stories.

Rather than trying to stop thoughts, replace them, or argue with them, ACT helps individuals notice thoughts as thoughts—mental events that come and go. Some thoughts are useful, some are unhelpful, and many are simply background noise. RAD teaches students that they do not have to believe every thought their mind produces or follow every mental story it tells. By learning to step back and observe their thinking, students gain more choice in how they respond.

Taken together, ACT and RAD do not ask students to ignore their inner experiences or pretend they do not exist. Instead, they teach students how to relate differently to thoughts and feelings—acknowledging them, making room for them, and still choosing actions based on what matters most. This approach supports flexibility, resilience, and purposeful action, even when thoughts are loud or feelings are strong.

If Thoughts and Feelings Don’t Steer the Ship, What Does?

In ACT and RAD, the answer is values. If we are not letting every thought or feeling steer the ship, we need something else to guide us—and values provide that direction. Values are the qualities and principles that matter most to us, such as honesty, fairness, kindness, courage, independence, or connection.

Unlike goals, values are not things we complete or achieve. They are ongoing ways of living and behaving. In ACT, values act like a compass, helping individuals choose how to respond in each moment, especially when things feel hard or uncomfortable.

Importantly, acceptance is not about minimizing, dismissing, or tolerating everything without question. ACT does not ask us to accept situations that clearly go against our values. In fact, uncomfortable feelings can be important signals. For example, if someone feels uneasy or guilty after stealing, those feelings matter. They may point to a conflict with values such as honesty or respect. Acceptance in this case is not about ignoring the feeling or using it to justify behaviour. Instead, it allows space to notice the feeling, reflect on what it might be communicating, and choose actions that move back toward one’s values—such as taking responsibility or making amends.

In this way, ACT and RAD use acceptance to support awareness, not avoidance. Feelings inform us; values guide us.

This is where ACT and RAD differ more clearly from traditional CBT approaches. In CBT, a common strategy involves examining thoughts, evaluating their accuracy, and working to challenge or change unhelpful thinking. This process can be very useful, especially when there is time and emotional space for reflection.

However, focusing heavily on changing thoughts or feelings can sometimes pull attention away from what is important, directing energy toward fixing internal experiences rather than toward meaningful action. ACT and RAD take a different stance. Rather than encouraging students to argue with their minds, these approaches recognize that debating thoughts can sometimes increase struggle—especially when thoughts feel convincing or emotionally charged.

ACT also highlights the limits of avoidance. When uncomfortable thoughts or feelings show up, it is natural to want them to go away. Avoidance may work briefly, but over time it often narrows behaviour and pulls people away from what matters. RAD teaches that we do not need to eliminate discomfort before acting in line with our values. We can feel anxious and still participate, feel uncertain and still try, or feel uncomfortable and still choose honesty or kindness.

Importantly, ACT does not suggest that reflection on thoughts is unnecessary or unhelpful. There is a time and place for thinking things through and gaining perspective. What ACT and RAD emphasize is that we do not need to change a thought in order to act in a values-based way. A student can think, “This is too hard,” and still attempt the task. They can think, “I might fail,” and still show courage.

In this way, ACT and RAD reduce the struggle with internal experiences while expanding choice. Thoughts and feelings are allowed to be present, reflection is used when helpful, and values remain the guide. This flexibility is what allows students to keep moving toward what matters—without waiting for their inner world to be quiet or perfectly aligned.

Even as I share these ideas that I believe in, my own busy mind and reactive body still show up. Thoughts of self-doubt creep in. Feelings of uncertainty and fear emerge. At times, they are strong.

But I don’t just teach RAD—I practice it. The skills at the heart of RAD—recognizing, accepting, and doing what is important—have been incredibly helpful for me, both in making RAD and in life in general. These are, after all, useful lifelong skills, and I encourage you to explore the website and consider how they might support the young people you care about.

The RAD SEL lessons are easy, affordable, and effective. Preview them for a week for free and then enjoy the full benefits of RAD, which includes video lessons, worksheets, and a teacher companion. All of this for only $10 a year.